


Dreaming with a Broken Heart

by somesecretstoshare



Series: Mix Tape [1]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon Filler, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-06
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-02-12 00:03:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2088000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somesecretstoshare/pseuds/somesecretstoshare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mickey dreams about Ian and it inspires a necessary change. </p><p>This is the first part of a canon-filler series I've started to write. See notes at end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dreaming with a Broken Heart

_Something in Mickey instinctively tries to keep the surprise out of his face when he opens his front door to see Ian, bundled up against the cold standing in front of him. He can’t figure out why the fuck Ian is here, or why he’s surprised to see him. Mickey just stares at Ian, hoping he’ll give him some sort of indication of what is going on._

  
_“Hey Mick, can I come in?” Ian asks easily with a half smile as he steps closer to Mickey in the doorway, trying to push past him and successfully brushing his whole body against Mickey at the same time._

_“Mandy home?” he asks casually._

  
_“Nope, they’re out” Mickey replies, indicating they’re alone. He’s not sure how he knows the house is empty or how he knows it will stay that way for a while. Mickey is still feeling uneasy and can’t fully believe Ian is just there suddenly, standing in his house. He shuts the door, locking it before he turns to watch as Ian starts to take off his layers._

  
_“What are you doing here?” Mickey asks, trying not to make it sound like an accusation as Ian throws his coat onto the couch._   
_Ian turns and snaps back quickly, “not happy to see me?”_

_Mickey’s unease grows. “Nah, man never said that… just didn’t think you’d stop by” Mickey is still holding his guard up, not sure where his footing is with Gallagher. He can’t remember why, but his heart is wary._

  
_“Mandy mentioned your dad was on a run, thought I’d come by and see you” Ian says as he steps towards Mickey until he’s right in front of him and Mickey has to look up to see directly in his eyes. He notes the smirk growing on Ian’s’ face._

_“I can leave if you want me to” Ian continues and the ginger adds a little pout to his smirk._

  
_“Don’t.” Mickey responds immediately._

  
_“Don’t what?” Ian retorts, smile spreading slowly._

  
_“Don’t fuckin’ go.”_

  
_Mickey is suddenly feeling relaxed and he sidesteps Ian to walk towards the couch, unsuccessfully hiding the smile that had spread across his face. He sits down and looks up at Ian expectantly, gesturing for him to join him. Ian sits down close to Mickey and he   reaches for him. Soon he's casually playing with Mickey’s hand: it doesn’t even dawn on Mickey that he should pull away._

  
_“I was thinking about you, it’s like my fuckin’ brain summoned you here” Mickey says. It just comes out; doesn’t filter through Mickey’s brain at all._

  
_“Oh yeah, what were you thinking?” Ian asks with a grin. He doesn’t look at all surprised by the sudden confession, even though something in Mickey expects him to be shocked. It takes Mickey a beat to respond, his brain processing Ian’s reaction and his heart giving him his answer. He feels confused but can’t figure out why._

  
_“I was thinking about how much I miss you,” he says. He doesn’t know where it comes from but he feels how true it is._

 

_Ian laughs, leaning closer to Mickey and whispers, “I’m right here, always right here”._

  
_Mickey turns to face Ian, head leaning against the couch. He has to see Ian’s face to make sure he knows how much he means it when he confesses, “I need you.”_

  
_Ian’s eyes widen a bit as he looks at Mickey, he is barely audible when he finally manages his reply, “you do?”_

  
_Mickey’s assurances are immediate and instinctual, “Of course man, you’re the only good thing in my life. The only time I feel okay is when we’re together.”_

  
_Mickey is saying all the stupid shit he’d thought he’d never say out loud and he can’t figure out how the fuck it’s happening. Suddenly, it’s just Ian and him, just the two of them in that moment, on his couch, in his house. He would have placed bets that in that moment they were the only two people in the world. Somewhere in the back of his mind it registers that he hasn’t heard the L go by since Ian got there, hell he can’t even remember what the fuck he was doing before Ian arrived. Mickey finally said everything Ian has always wanted to hear and he was surprised that he didn’t feel stupid and his brain wasn’t screaming “faggot” at him on repeat. Mickey doesn’t look away from Ian and he doesn’t feel the need to hide from Ian’s eyes or the goofy fucking grin on his face. Instead, he stares right back at him with the dopey expression mirrored on his own face, his heart beating crazy fast. He feels himself lean closer to Ian and the only thing he can think is “kiss him”._

 

_So that’s what Mickey does._

 

* * *

 

Mickey wakes up just before Ian’s lips brush against his. He gasped a little as he realizes he’d been holding his breath. Rolling over to his side, he sees a tall outline lying next to him silhouetted by the light from the streetlights. Instinctively, a sleepy Mickey reaches for Ian. But it’s not Ian. He feels her belly as his hand slides over her waist and he withdraws his reach confused. Mickey curses quietly and turns away from Svetlana, trying to figure out where the fuck he is.

It takes him a minute to put all the pieces together and to place himself in time. He’s not the person he was in his dream, bold, honest, and giving. No, Mickey is fucking trapped, in his father’s house, with his pregnant wife and in his own head. Mickey grasps onto the falling fragments of the dream, trying to hold onto the look on Ian’s face right before he woke up. His mind wanders back to how great Ian looked in his green t-shirt and the fireworks he felt trill through his body as Ian played with his fingers. He tries not to think about all the things he said to Ian to make him light up brighter than he’d ever seen him awake. He doesn’t want to think about how wonderful it felt to say them either. That version of the two of them is one that Mickey will never know. Reality creeps in so slowly and he remembers it’s been months since he’d seen the younger man.

Suddenly, without being able to hold it back, the glowing version of Ian from his dream is replaced by the memory of the last time they were together. The words so easily said in his sleep, are replaced by the last thing Mickey had just barely managed to say to Ian.

  
“Don’t”

  
Mickey’s practically choked by the memory as it floods back and for a moment he can hardly breathe. He angrily rubs the tears that had started to fall out of his eyes as somewhere in his mind he hears a chant: “Faggot! Faggot! Pussy!”

  
Thinking about where he is, he feels panic and sick rise up in his chest. He’s consumed by so many different kinds of fear; he’s got a baby coming, a wife he can't figure out lying in bed next to him, and no matter how frequently his dad ends up in prison, he always comes back.

  
Mickey tries not to think how many days it’s been since he last saw Ian, tries not to remember the look on Ian’s face when he turned and left for good. At first, Mickey kind of didn’t believe Ian was really going to go. He didn’t think Ian would really be able to leave his family and if he was being honest, he was kind of counting on how Ian always seemed to come back to him. It was the way Mandy treated him after Ian left that made the whole situation sink in, she was fucking pissed and she wasn’t shy about showing it. Mickey kind of suspected she was mad about more than driving her best friend away, he knew she was livid they’d both lied to her for so long so if she knew anything about where Ian was, she wasn’t letting on.

  
The dreams started once it really sank in that Ian was gone and that four years was too long for Mickey to expect Ian to come back still wanting him. He’d wake up after a dream, after spending the whole night blissed out in moments that never turned sour and he’d feel like he his chest was caving in. His mind was punishing him; it was absolute torture to spend his nights happy with Ian and then having to wake up to his shitty fucking reality every morning. The whole vicious cycle repeating almost every night was really fucking with him; he couldn’t even manage a decent orgasm these days.

  
Then, he thought he might have seen the light at the end of the tunnel; it had actually been a few nights since he’d woken up like this. Mickey knew it was Lips’ visit that had brought back the kinds of dreams that made his mornings a terror. Lip had stopped by asking if Mickey had heard from Ian and he hadn’t managed to hide the fact that Ian was in trouble. Since then, awake or sleeping, there hadn’t been a moment that Ian didn’t cross his mind but fuck if Mickey could figure out what to do. He couldn’t go looking for Ian now, he was terrified Ian would disappear if Mickey tried and he couldn’t be responsible for that ever again. Maybe if he thought it would help, he’d go looking. Maybe if someone gave him permission to care.

  
The sun had come up and the streetlights went out when Mickey realized he wasn’t going to get any more sleep and rolled out of bed. The house was quiet and he knew it would be at least a couple hours until Svetlana got up so he grabbed his stash of magazines that sometimes did the trick and padded barefoot to the bathroom in yesterdays clothes that he hadn’t bothered to change.

  
It wasn’t long before he tossed the magazines aside and focused on his morning constitutional. He was shortly interrupted:  
  
“Woah, hey… can I take a shit in private please?” Mickey yelled, lit cigarette stuck between his lips. If he’d had his pants on, he’d probably already be making fun of Mandy’s uniform but she was on him before he could gather momentum.

  
“Douchebag, go find your boyfriend.”

  
“Get the fuck out, close the door” he tried to grab the door.

  
“I looked for him all day yesterday and he’s not answering my texts”

  
“What the fuck you talkin’ about?” It had just registered with Mickey what Mandy was asking but he had to be sure.

  
“Don’t play dumb with me” Mandy scalded, “Ian!”

  
Mickey couldn’t look up at her; his face was a map of his feelings.

  
“You know you’re the reason that he left. So go find him! I gotta go to work”.

  
Mickey sighed; his reservations about going after Ian were still there.

  
“Not my fuckin’ problem”

  
Mandy sighed.“You know what? Nothing’s ever your problem.” She grabbed his cigarette out of his hand and as she walked away she yelled back at him. “For once, you know, make something your problem!”, and then she disappeared.

 

“What the fuck does a squirrel have to do with waffles anyway?!” he yelled after her. Mickey reached for the bathroom door, which was plainly out of reach and he heard the door slam.

  
“Ah fuck… MANDY!”

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea while I was listening to my typically depressing music library. So many of my songs could fit into a moment in Gallavich canon and I wanted to write something that would work as filler within the canon. I can't write fluff and can't stomach to write angst on it's own. Keeping it within the canon means I'm not breaking something that isn't already broken (at that point in time).  
> This is based of the song "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" by John Mayer and is the first in what I hope to make a series that will be written largely out of order. Sorry.  
> tumblr: somesecretstoshare.tumblr.com


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